I worked with a young ice skater who was talented
but wanted to quit because of the constant pressure her mother put upon her
to be the best. Her mother, from various accounts, was arguing with the coach,
the judges, and was yelling at her daughter during practice.
When we met, one of the first things the mother told me was that she felt she could have been a professional skater herself if only her parents had pushed her, encouraged her, and had been willing to spend the money.
“I’m not going to let this dream die for Sherry,” the mother
said. “I’ll do whatever it takes!”
This mom, however, assumed that skating was Sherry’s dream. Sherry,
on the other hand, liked skating, but loved animals. She dreamed of becoming
a veterinarian one day, not a professional skater. When the girl said this
aloud (apparently not for the first time), her mother didn’t listen.
She just steamrolled right over her daughter’s dream and said, “Well,
you can become a vet after you go for the gold.”
This mom, clearly on a crusade to make her daughter a skater, whether or not
the girl even wanted to skate, is an extreme example of a common problem.
Many sports parents assume that their children have the same passions, goals,
and dreams that they do. Many parents, and I mean many, mistakenly believe
that their children are, if not clones of themselves, then at least very similar.
They therefore see their children as opportunities to relive a piece of their
own history and get it right. Or they think, “Sherry’s just like
me so I know she really wants to do this” and “She’ll thank
me later.”
As parents, we have a tendency to project our own wishes, regrets, and dreams
onto our children. It’s perfectly understandable. We don’t want
our kids to feel cheated or left out when it comes to sports, especially if
that’s how we felt. That’s natural. I know that desire comes from
the heart. But remember, when it comes to sports parenting – it’s
not your intention that matters. It’s your actions.
When you find yourself pushing your child hard or are disappointed by what they want to do, take a step back and remind yourself, “My child is not a mini version of me.” Respect the fact that your child has her own dreams and goals. Your child is a separate person. Nurture and encourage her toward her dreams and goals, even if that means giving up a dream of your own.
reprinted from:
101 Ways To Be A Terrific Sport Parent
by Joel Fish, Ph.D.
Simon & Schuster © 2003