With more kids playing sports, it's harder now to get a position on the junior high and high school teams. Some of the recreational teams like the all-stars or the elite travel teams are even harder to make. Your child may be technically good at his sport, but he still might get cut. The competition for spots on these teams can be fierce. Not only do parents have to help their kids cope with the competitive stress of being on a team, they have to help them cope with the stress and pressure of making the team in the first place.
A friend of my son was crushed when he didn't make the school baseball team. He lost his appetite. He didn't want to play catch with his dad or his friends. When his parents asked me to talk with him, Robert blurted out: I feel like the biggest loser in the whole world!
Kids take not making the team hard. So do their parents. Robert's parents were stunned that he didn't make it. But he's such a good player, they told me and I agreed. I had seen Robert play. He was good. But there were other better players trying out for his position. It happens.
It also happens that a deserving child doesn't make the team for reasons that have nothing to do with her performance. Though this wasn't the case with Robert, I meet parents who tell me how the all-star team in their community or the high school football coach seems to play favorites or gives favors. The coach knows a girl's father from work and that girl gets a position on the team even though another girls is a better player. This is a growing problem (for more advice on handling an unfair coach, see Coaching Concerns, chapter 5).
If your child is trying out for the team, you need to prepare him for the possibility that he won't make it. Here are some guidelines to follow:
DON'T:
ž Discourage. For example, you don't want to say, Well, you're probably not going to make it because there are so many other kids who are better. Don't be negative, be realistic.
ž Go overboard with encouragement. You also don't want to go too far the other way and say, We're winners in our family! We go for it and get it! or Winners never quit and quitters never win . . . This is not preparing a child for the possibility of not making it. This kind of overboard cheerleading puts more pressure on kids. They think, Oh no, if I don't make it, Dad will think I'm a quitter.
ž Make your child into a victim. In an attempt to make kids feel better some parents say things like, You've been robbed! That coach had something against you. Or They were out to get you. This only heaps another dimension of emotion and stress upon your child.
ž Deny her feelings of loss. If you say, Who wants to be on the stupid field hockey team anyway, You're only diminishing what was important to her. You're denying her feelings and that only makes things worse. Instead, acknowledge her loss by saying, I know you're very disappointed. It's really hard to get cut like that.
DO:
ž Give a positive reality check. You want to prepare kids for the possibility of not making the team without discouraging them from trying. Focus on effort and not outcome. You can say something like: I can see how hard you're working to improve your game. I know you really want a place on the team. But there are over thirty-five freshmen who are trying out for field hockey this year. Only six of you will make it. I'm not trying to discourage you. I just want you to know that the competition is very stiff. It can happen that we work really hard and still don't get something. It makes us feel bad for a while, but the important thing is to try. If we don't try our best we never know.
ž Give her positive options. Your daughter will feel less pressure about trying out for the team if she knows it's not the end of the world if she doesn't make it. Let her know: I want you to remember that if for some reason, you don't make it this year, you can still try out next year. I'll work with you every Saturday. There's also a girls hockey team forming at the new sports arena over in the shopping center. We can check that out. If she doesn't make the team, remind her that she does have options to play other sports.
reprinted from:
101 Ways To Be A Terrific Sport Parent
by Joel Fish, Ph.D.
Simon & Schuster © 2003